Who created this shame?
For a long time, I’ve had something stirring inside me, never really knowing what it is or how to express it in words. I even doubt my ability to do it now, but I’m moved by what I see, what I hear, what I observe…
(This is a stronger one of my posts, I urge you to not be offended, if you don’t agree- simply scroll on).
I’ve been attracted to the male gender ever since 6th grade. And every year after that it’s never changed. I told my mom around 7th or 8th grade about my feelings and she said it’s a phase and that it’d go away. She said she loved me because she had to, but she didn’t support what I “believed” in.
See that’s the thing, why is it that whenever someone doesn’t understand something it’s automatically dismissed as untrue. Countless scientists and mathematicians were banished and scolded for their work, calling them liars or witches. Jesus himself, the most loving being to ever walk this Earth, crucified for being himself, for preaching the word of love.
And yet we learn nothing from the repetition of history, it’s a sensory holocaust every single day. Dirty looks for dressing different, called a faggot for talking a certain way, excluded for liking a certain gender. Who are we to put this sort of stress on people? Who is perfect enough to cast the first stone? Who can call themselves worthy of righteously murdering another human whether it be by words or physical abuse?
But see there’s this other type of violence, one so deadly it makes me sick. Most people never see it because it hides behind a frivolous veil of “accepted.” This is where society, stereotypes, and segregation come in. Forgive me if this offends anyone, I’m quite proud to live in the Bay Area but this whole “scene” that exists is unacceptable.
A few weeks back, I walked down the Castro really late at night and I observed. I saw men at bars, men at restaurants, men in sex shops. How… sad that they’ve all been pushed onto this tiny street. Who said that only this street is for gays? Why can’t all streets house every single type of person.
But see, I’m not entirely upset with society. I’m also upset with us. Why do we let such things go unnoticed? Why do we let people stuff us in an invisible box we don’t belong in..a painful degrading box? What we do to ourselves only makes it worse.
Ever heard of Grindr? Of course you have, don’t get me wrong I’m sure it is possible to make friends or find a nice guy through one of these apps but let’s be real. Most people want something. Something quick, something easy, something not worth while… And maybe that’s why people see us a certain way. We have allowed our own shame to push us to do things that would otherwise be unacceptable.
Since when are weekly hook ups with strangers good for the soul? Since when is unprotected sex good for the body? Since when is self medication a step closer to true love and happiness.
That’s what we all want right? True love, happiness? Whether it is a trained human experience or an existential necessity is a different story but love is what we truly thirst for.. so why we do we do all these things and why do we let them get in the way of the people and things that really matter? AIDS, HIV, Meth, Coke, orgies, BDSM, bathhouses, porn addictions… they exist. What’s worse is many aren’t afraid anymore, for some it’s become a matter of fact that this is the way they’ll live their life.
It makes every bone in my body shake that we deny ourselves the love we deserve. We ourselves numb our own pain, build forts around ourselves.. How will we ever find love that way? Are you afraid of religion because you think a book or a person doesn’t let you be you? Jesus still loves you. Are you scared your friends will stop caring about you? True friends would stick around. You think you’ll never find the right one if you wait around all your life, trust me whatever’s meant to happen will.
I guess I’m angry, and frustrated, and upset. I’m upset that society is so slow to change and accommodate because they fear what they don’t know. I’m frustrated that we as people succumb to the pressures put upon us and let ourselves run deadly loops. I’m angry that most of this goes unnoticed and that the shame only gets stronger.
But I guess asking who did it won’t make things any better. Being angry won’t solve any problems. But being the change is, if I can be a light to anyone, It’ll be a start.
I guess the real question isn’t who created this shame… but why do we let it exist?
Irony, you hoe.
The irony of the songs that play when im alone in my car, walking the dog, or at work is ridiculous.
Crawling through school
I’m so done with this semester, today I went home straight from school and I slept and slept and slept. And when I woke up I felt like someone was holding a plastic bag against my face.
I know I should be going to school enjoying my time blah blah but it’s not really that fun. Maybe I just need a good reset button. A vacation is definitely wanted.